My guide to raising children

I get to work each morning about an hour and 15 minutes before it actually starts. This allows me to do some work before I start getting all those annoying phones calls. I listen to classic rock just about as loud as I want, and it sets a wonderful tone of the day. The downside of listening to the radio is the silly commercials. The most ignorant is the one about the problem of not being able to communicate with your children without fighting. For a nominal fee they will send you a DVD or a CD to help solve all your problems.
Worry no more. I can do that for the cost of a newspaper. Pregnant or soon to be pregnant women and their partners need to work on your upper body strength before the birth of your child. Infants and toddlers should be held as much as possible, and you need to be in condition. It is more fun for you than it is for them, but it is a trade off for all nights they decide to throw up at 3 a.m. Kiss and hug them as much as you can, because this period could be over soon.
After this, boys and girls should be treated differently. To wake up a little girl, gentle brush her hair away from her face and kiss her cheek until she smiles. Hold a little boy’s lips together and pinch their nose closed; lack of air will have them up quickly. This will work until puberty. After puberty, young men stink. You will need a long pole to tap them on their heads to wake them; hit them in the ribs if they don`t respond quickly. That same pole is used to wake the young woman by poking her in the shoulder area. This is always tricky, for about 36 hours a month; this woman-child is the sweetest, and most cheerful person ever, the other 684 hours, well a caged, rabid dog comes to mind.
Here are some suggestions when having situations while your children are teenagers: Never shy away from punching a son (in a loving way but hard), it will relieve your stress and will temporarily straighten him up. Only the mother should discipline the young woman. A young woman may scream and cry even when getting her own way, and it is unnerving to a man. A mother may pull the young woman`s hair or pop her on her bottom as hard as she wants to. At the first sign trouble, the father unit should leave the house and be gone a period not less than two hours. A “rule of thumb” a man should never have more than one female mad at him in a given household. These rules will apply until the child moves out. After that, they are law enforcement`s problem.
Yea, my advice is pretty much useless or about the same you would get from a DVD or CD. Each child is an individual person and should be treated as such. As parents, your job is to do the best you can. If you make mistakes, fix them; if you have successes, celebrate them. The part about holding, hugging, and kissing them as long as you can, that was dead on.
I heard a rumor a couple of years ago of how the Obama Administration was trying to force through Congress a bill to add additional taxes on 401K retirement accounts. I just kind of blew the notion off. After seeing what happened in Cyprus and the possibility of the same fate spreading to other EU countries, well it certainly will make you stop and think.
 As the stock market continues to break records, I don`t think it`s a sign of a healthy economy as much as the people with real money knowing what the “rules” are and being able to exploit them.
The band “Rolling Stones” are still touring, and still singing the songs that made them famous. I just wonder if the songs have different meanings to them now. The song “Satisfaction” (can`t get no) in the 1970s was about not reaching satisfactory station in their lives, or says the lyrics. In the 2010s I`m guessing the same song has morphed into a complaint about a subpar laxative.