Shooting the breeze - July 30

I wasn’t worried when stories hit the airwaves of a large-scale military operation in Texas. I joked on the internet about Jade Helm.

The military is made up of men and women who have sworn to protect their country from enemies both foreign AND domestic. I know military folks. I have more in my family than I can count. Those who wondered if Texas was about to be taken over by the government were just trying to find something to be afraid of.

However, the conspiracy theorists must have wiggled their way into my subconscious. Coming home from Mount Pleasant the other day, I saw a line of cars stopped on Highway 49. It’s a nice, big, safe highway for the most part and four lanes at the time of this incident. I thought maybe there was a car stalled, or maybe an accident was backing up traffic. Pretty soon traffic was moving at a more normal pace and that’s when I noticed something strange.

I never passed an accident, or a stalled car, or a stranded motorcyclist, dog, deer, fruit stand or anything that should have made this line of cars slow down. On the other side of the road, a car had pulled off onto the shoulder. I noticed two young men inside. They weren’t speaking to each other and I could see their faces were set in scowls. A few hundred yards later, a minivan was stopped, this time with an older woman behind the wheel. She, too, looked concerned. Then a pickup truck with a couple inside. Then another car with a family.

And I had this crazy idea. What if these people have joined forces via the internet and are planning some large scale operation right here in east Texas? What if these cars slowing me down and those cars stopped are planning to flank me? What if they try to box in my car? I’m driving along, completely lost in these paranoid thoughts of government takeover by average citizens and I’m plotting how I would escape should they try to trap my vehicle.

At this point, I should have just headed back to Mount Pleasant for a lifetime supply of aluminum for my lovely tinfoil hat. But just as I’m hitting the edge of my sanity, the line of cars in front of me stops again. I’m full-blown panicking at this point because there’s really nowhere for me to go if they did decide to do something.

Just then, I saw a vehicle turning to the left at the very front of this line of cars I’m stopped behind. It was a limo, followed by a hearse. Yep, I did what you think I did. I was driving along in a funeral procession. The folks in front of me were in mourning. The people on the side of the road were paying respect. I was the only one being a nutjob. I waited patiently until the entire procession turned, then I finished my drive home, laughing at myself the entire way.

This is the real result of crackpot internet conspiracies – soccer moms who try to fight their way out of funeral processions. #jadehelm